I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
