My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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