Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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