I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
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