so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
