your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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