a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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