You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
