Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
