I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
