he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
