Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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