Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
