I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
