All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
