he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
