I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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