I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
