The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
