dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
