my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
