guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
