I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
