I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
