EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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