Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
