Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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