Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dicks are not precious.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
