Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
