Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
