In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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