Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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