I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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