I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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