Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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