laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
