i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
