If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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