just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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