You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
