I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
