I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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