Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize