I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
