I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
