I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
