mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
