I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
