I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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