Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize