ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
