I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
