In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
