Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
