omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
operation have a gay friend backfired
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
They took my balls.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
