Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
