Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
