The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
