So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize